what grace can give you

One of my favorite authors tells me this: "Life hands us opportunities at every turn to get over ourselves, to get outside ourselves, to wake up from our own bad dreams and realize that really lovely things are happening all the time.” Shauna Niequist knows what's up.

In the absence of writing, I haven't taken a breath deep enough to exhale creativity. Instead, I have let myself sit tightly wound and weighed down in a dark corner and it's time that I drag myself out. I mentioned a few months ago that life can often lead you away from the things you love and it takes a lot of effort to bring yourself back; to drag yourself out of that dark place, shrug off the unnecessary and give yourself grace to see the little things that make life good.

Since I last wrote in January, I've been struggling to accept some changes that have been nearly out of my control. The changes were subtle at first and as my awareness for them grew, so did the anxiety and stress that came with not knowing how to deal; my body was changing in ways I didn't like. I couldn't grasp what was happening both mentally and physically and I tried so hard to bring myself back to the way I saw myself two years ago. I didn't feel good. Uncomfortable in my own skin, anxiety perpetuated frequent pulling and I began to focus on things that were going horribly wrong instead of focusing on all of the things that were going right around me.

“Grace isn’t about having a second chance; grace is having so many chances that you could use them through all eternity and never come up empty. It’s when you finally realize that the other shoe isn’t going to drop, ever.” 

I drifted into being someone who cared more about how other people saw me than how I saw myself. I ate less. worked out more and sucked in so hard I gave myself headaches from barely breathing. I put band-aids on my thumbs, oils on my scalp and willed my hair to grow despite the damage done. I was sinking.

A few weeks ago on a back road somewhere in Virginia, something brought me back. I rolled my windows down to let the mountain air brush against my face as I followed the road's dips and curves, the wind between the trees beating louder as I drove by. In this moment I felt happy, almost lifted, and I couldn't remember the last time I felt this way. I feel stupid for admitting that I cried. But I let myself cry because it felt so good to let go of something. How weightless would one feel without anxiety, worry or doubt? I felt it then as I let it fall to the ground and swirl up like dust on the road behind me.

That day I learned that grace isn't about being perfect all time; it's about how you carry yourself as an imperfect human being. Giving yourself grace gives you the opportunity to love yourself as you are and not who you think you should be. 

Brene Brown writes that "shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” Acknowledging your injuries takes courage and healing those injuries requires compassion. But letting these injuries become rare and only fleeting; that's the challenge for most of us. Whether it's a joy ride on a back road somewhere in Virginia or simply taking some time to do something you love, we all need those moments where life grabs you by the wrists, sends pulses through your veins and shakes your soul awake.