what grace can give you

One of my favorite authors tells me this: "Life hands us opportunities at every turn to get over ourselves, to get outside ourselves, to wake up from our own bad dreams and realize that really lovely things are happening all the time.” Shauna Niequist knows what's up.

In the absence of writing, I haven't taken a breath deep enough to exhale creativity. Instead, I have let myself sit tightly wound and weighed down in a dark corner and it's time that I drag myself out. I mentioned a few months ago that life can often lead you away from the things you love and it takes a lot of effort to bring yourself back; to drag yourself out of that dark place, shrug off the unnecessary and give yourself grace to see the little things that make life good.

Since I last wrote in January, I've been struggling to accept some changes that have been nearly out of my control. The changes were subtle at first and as my awareness for them grew, so did the anxiety and stress that came with not knowing how to deal; my body was changing in ways I didn't like. I couldn't grasp what was happening both mentally and physically and I tried so hard to bring myself back to the way I saw myself two years ago. I didn't feel good. Uncomfortable in my own skin, anxiety perpetuated frequent pulling and I began to focus on things that were going horribly wrong instead of focusing on all of the things that were going right around me.

“Grace isn’t about having a second chance; grace is having so many chances that you could use them through all eternity and never come up empty. It’s when you finally realize that the other shoe isn’t going to drop, ever.” 

I drifted into being someone who cared more about how other people saw me than how I saw myself. I ate less. worked out more and sucked in so hard I gave myself headaches from barely breathing. I put band-aids on my thumbs, oils on my scalp and willed my hair to grow despite the damage done. I was sinking.

A few weeks ago on a back road somewhere in Virginia, something brought me back. I rolled my windows down to let the mountain air brush against my face as I followed the road's dips and curves, the wind between the trees beating louder as I drove by. In this moment I felt happy, almost lifted, and I couldn't remember the last time I felt this way. I feel stupid for admitting that I cried. But I let myself cry because it felt so good to let go of something. How weightless would one feel without anxiety, worry or doubt? I felt it then as I let it fall to the ground and swirl up like dust on the road behind me.

That day I learned that grace isn't about being perfect all time; it's about how you carry yourself as an imperfect human being. Giving yourself grace gives you the opportunity to love yourself as you are and not who you think you should be. 

Brene Brown writes that "shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.” Acknowledging your injuries takes courage and healing those injuries requires compassion. But letting these injuries become rare and only fleeting; that's the challenge for most of us. Whether it's a joy ride on a back road somewhere in Virginia or simply taking some time to do something you love, we all need those moments where life grabs you by the wrists, sends pulses through your veins and shakes your soul awake.

c.r.e.a.t.e

For me, one of the most frustrating feelings in the world is being inspired to write, but not having the time to sit down and do so. My work day begins early in the morning, which is often when my mind is clear, alert and buzzing with ideas. I'm tied to the clock, however, and my scope of work does not include blogging. I find myself sitting here with a cadence of thoughts that flutter like butterfly wings beating gently but persistently against cupped hands.

My mind has been this way for the past month in an attempt to get back into a normal rhythm after what was an emotional, overwhelming and short holiday season. The first month of the year is almost over and I haven't even thought about a New Year's resolution..and I'm thinking that's not such a bad thing because how many of us actually follow through with the resolutions we hastily establish after reflecting on all of the things we wish we did or didn't do before the new year approaches?

I can't speak for everyone, but when I institute an absolute statement as a resolution, I automatically set myself up for failure. Humans are creatures of habit and as quickly as it takes us to recognize our need to change do we fall back into our comfortable, old routine. As a result of this, I have decided to use a word to represent my resolution for the new year. A word to live by, to work by, to love by; something to hold myself accountable without leaving me feeling completely downtrodden as an unfulfilled resolution might. Words, I think, may have a universal definition but if defined personally, words can be applied to more than just one goal or aspiration and lead to greater personal growth.

C R E A T E.

Create. verb
1. to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes.
2. to evolve from one's own thought or imagination, as a work of art or an invention.

I will create space and time for self expression. 

Life carries you through phases; some of which take you away from the things you love to do and some that bring you back. The moment I could form complete sentences, I started writing. I wrote with my friends, I wrote by myself, I wrote poems, and songs and fictional stories. But the second my hands starting reaching for my hair, they stopped reaching for a pen and the creativity that flowed from my fingertips was obstructed by anxiety and pubescent middle school stress. After my freshman year of high school that creativity began again, flowing through the lens of a camera and pieces here and there for the school literary magazine. Well, college happened next and unfortunately school and a way too serious relationship took my creativity away again, burying it somewhere deep; hidden but not totally forgotten. It wasn't until I spent time in my budding out-of-college career and singleness did I truly begin to unearth more creativity than ever before. It was then that I moved to a new city, started this blog, invested more time in photography and pursued passions that I saw only in my dreams. Taking the time to focus on these things gave me purpose, and always brings me back to my truest self. Seeing the evolution of my work and the personal growth I experience through each phase of life drives me to keep creating, because who knows where life may take me next?

My newest adventure: National Geographic's Your Shot community...some new, some old, learning and growing with the best out there! 

Your Shot National Geographic Photography Community

Pupusas & Pilsners with a Purpose

"Buenas tardes, señoras y señores, y bienvenidos a El Salvador." The woman's voice echoed over the aircraft's PA system, bringing me out of my sleep and into a world of a clear blue sky and a lush green landscape below. We were descending into the San Salvador International airport and upon landing, we quickly found ourselves surrounded by towering palm trees, boisterous traffic and bustling families who had come to retrieve their loved ones. The air was thick and the bright sun wrapped its rays around our bodies, presenting us with a warmth we were no longer experiencing back home.

I was with a small team from work and we were spending the week away from our Charlotte-sphere to visit our partner affiliate in El Salvador, who invites several volunteer groups from the United States each year. By definition, you could say this was a mission trip, and that definition left me feeling hesitant as I boarded the plane that first day. Mission trips are traditionally defined as the mobilization of a Christian missionary for a short period of time ranging from days to a year to a malnourished or undeserved community with a packaged bundle of wealth, resources, knowledge and beliefs. With words like evangelical and Christian tourism floating near by, it wasn't hard for me to form adverse feelings of what my trip to El Salvador might be like. What did my bundle look like and what did I intend to do with it? What did we, as an organization, intend to do with it?

El Salvador is bright and bold and beautiful. As densely populated as it is, volcanic summits and lush green canopies make most of the countryside look unstirred by human touch. We spent some of our afternoons exploring these areas, from an afternoon on the clear waters of Lake Coatepeque to one spent on a fourth-generation coffee farm nestled in the mountains outside of Ahuachapán. The capital city of San Salvador, however, is constantly stirring with activity; it's streets lined with vibrant store fronts and open air markets where the scent of pupusas toasting on griddles lingers in the air.

As important as it was to explore the country's people, land and culture, we were also there to work, and more specifically, we were there to help a father and his three year old daughter move into a home of their own. Alongside a Mason, the homeowner and a few neighborhood helpers, we were building that home from the ground up. I could probably count the number of resources used to construct the home on just two hands and we spent four days using those hands to mix mortar and chispa, fill and sand cinder block walls and compact layers (upon layers) of sand for the floor's foundation. When we arrived on the work site earlier that week, the walls of the home were almost four feet high and the day we left, the home was almost ready for interior finishings, a roof and tile floor.

My knowledge of El Salvador prior to this trip was minimal and my exposure to it's culture was nonexistent. With the exception of a number of articles and research materials I read weeks before, I was going into this experience knowledgeable but unfamiliar. I had the understanding that I am a visitor and can only respect the culture and nature of the community I was to be exposed to. 

I was the malnourished— learning from and serving with— devouring this experience entirely. 

The hesitancy I felt the very first day of our trip quickly faded as I realized that trips with Habitat were not like normal mission trips to begin with. For almost twenty years, we have worked closely with Habitat El Salvador in a mutual partnership of service and friendship and we spent that week talking with those in the community we worked in, gaining insight to their desires and hopes for the future. We listened and they were grateful for that. This trip undoubtedly changed who I am, how I interact with people and how I view culture's different from my own, which is something I find invaluable to the work that I do.

Every opportunity to travel is an opportunity to grow and learn more about a world we think we know. 

no pain, no gain

You hear me talk a lot about stories. Stories that define who we were, who we are and who we want to be. In our stories, we are the protagonists—the defeated, rising as heroes as we confront the drama, horror, sorrow, hope and love that is woven throughout the pages. We may not start out as such, but at some point, we all have a battle to face, a conflict to resolve or a steep, steep hill to climb. The story I want to share with you has been written, deleted and written again; it has been waiting for me to feel comfortable enough to share it and confident enough to own it. It is in my story that I hope to become the hero, overcoming the burden of a disorder I have had since I was six years old. 

I can remember the first time the disorder made its presence known in my life. I remember sitting on my back porch on a balmy summer day with my purple-and-teal caboodle lying open in my lap. I recall sitting in front of its tiny mirror, fixating on my dark, lush eyelashes and plucking every single one of them from my eyelids. I cannot remember why I did this, but I'll never forget seeing the terror on my mother’s face as I came inside with bare eyelids and a barefaced amount of shame. I wish I could say it stopped there, but I began to pull at my eyebrows and eventually the hair on my head. The side glances, stares and nicknames like "Whispies and Bosley" at school eventually led to questions from classmates and concerned teachers. I remember lying when they asked and I tried to hide the broken pieces so they would stop staring. How could I answer their questions, when I had no idea how to answer them?

In late middle school, trichotillomania became real to me. It is an impulse control disorder that comes with an overwhelming urge to pull out one’s hair with little or no conscious restraint. For some, it may be quelled by awareness and concentration, but for many, it is so consuming that it dominates one's ability to focus on anything else. Millions of people shamefully suffer from trichotillomania; 80-90% are young girls and women. And what causes them to carry that shame is society's image of a "perfect" woman. Perfect hair. Perfect face. Perfect body. It wasn't until my early teens that I was fully aware of what my brain was telling my hands to do so I spent the subsequent years trying every remedy, therapy and trick in the book to gain control and defeat it.

Unfortunately, there is no definitive cure or solution. Many doctors claim that anxiety, depression or O.C.D can trigger the behavior, and prescribe selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRIs) in an attempt to alleviate the urges. I was told I'm not crazy— my brain chemistry is just a little different from others. Seeking help from medical professionals who know so little about this disorder is as frustrating and disheartening as you can imagine. Those who are unfamiliar with trich may simply ask, "well, why can't you just stop?" Trust me, I wish I could tell you it were that easy. As an independent, strong-minded woman, giving in to urges I cannot control is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting.

I say all of this with the conviction that I haven't completely given up on myself, or on those who can help me. Each and every day, I wake up knowing I have a brand new day to start over. To look forward and not in the mirror at what I may have done the day before. It's just hair; it doesn't define who I am (and quite frankly, it doesn't define who any of us are). I am fortunate enough to have amazing friends and family who understand, support and love me for who I am and what I fight for.

This week, we celebrate BFRB (body-focused repetitive behavior) Awareness Week which is why I share my story with you today. My hope is not for you to feel sorry for me, or anyone else who suffers from this disorder, but acknowledge its growing presence in our society and recognize the beauty within all of us and not without. We all have our struggles, we have our fights, and we have things in life we just can't control.

When I think about what I have been through over the past 18 years, I think of the lotus flower. How it descends into shallow, murky waters at night and emerges beautiful and pure with the next day's sun. I keep that image in my mind as I look to others with empathy rather than judgement and to my own self for strength instead of shame.

http://www.trich.org/involved/cal-nbaw.html

The Liebster Award Lives On

Oh hey! Thanks to Matt McDaniel for nominating me for the Liebster Award!

If you haven't checked out http://www.mcdieselfarm.com/ I highly suggest you do so now. Matt and his wife Kelly have created some amazing projects around their home in an effort to maintain a sustainable lifestyle and Matt reflects on the trials and tribulations of backyard gardening.

I love the idea of the Liebster Award. For those who struggle to think of different themes or ideas to post, or for those who need a break from their normal writing routine, its a fun way to get to know each other and reflect on some things that may not cross your mind too often.There are many versions or sets of rules that can be followed upon receiving the award but it's principles remain the same: thank the fellow blogger who nominated you for the award, and pass along the nomination to other bloggers whom you faithfully follow. After answering the questions from Matt, I'll think of a set to ask some of my favorite bloggers and nominate them below! 

1. What is your favorite TV show and why?

I don't religiously watch television but when I find a show that I like- I'm hooked. I currently don't have cable either so I rely on Netflix to provide me with an escape from reality when its needed. I loved Orange Is the New Black. Dynamic characters and a ridiculous story line kept me watching and anxiously waiting for the next season. I also loved Friday Night Lights....everyone needs a good, down home show about football, family, friends, fights and young love- who can resist?

2. If money were no object, what would be your ultimate travel destination?

Picking just one ultimate travel destination is tough when you own a collection of travel books like myself. Since I have to make some sort of decision without simmering on this question all day- I'll go with my gut reaction. Both sides of my family originated in the United Kingdom. My mothers side is British and Scottish, my father's British and Welsh. There's a family rumor that I'm related to King Alfred the Great (871-899); but let's be honest...there's probably a lengthy and slightly questionable line of his descendants. I'd love to spend some time traveling England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales. It's definitely not the most expensive destination I could pick, but I would love to connect with my heritage, eat crappy English food and immerse myself in the rich history of the area.  

3. Beer, wine, or liquor (that includes moonshine)?

I'm a wine-o to the extreme and I love trying wines from all over the world. In the midst of trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life after college, I briefly worked for a wine distributor, hosting tastings at the nearby Harris Teeter. Needless to say, that didn't last long but I got to try some amazing wines and talk about it with different people. My favorites (in no particular order): Prosecco, Chenin Blanc, Malbec and Boujillais.

4. What one possession do you cherish the most?

My family. I know it's not a physical possession but I don't know what I would do without them.

5. Who’s your favorite Disney character and why?

Ariel- I'm a swimmer so naturally I'm super jealous that she's a mermaid. And Prince Eric is a cutie.

6. You have one day left on this earth. What would be on your agenda?

What wouldn't be on the agenda!? Have a giant feast with all of my favorite foods, wine and invite everyone I knew to hang out with me and sing the night away. Other than that, it's too hard to think about all of the other things I would like to do before I leave this earth.

7. What’s the happiest memory you have?

Spending a year in California. I wouldn't say it was the happiest year of my life, but the experiences I had for that one year allowed me to grow in more ways than I ever imagined and will never forget- and that's what makes me happy.

8. Who is your favorite celebrity? Why?

LaSarah. "Crangrape...the drink of champions."

9. What’s your favorite animal?

Dolphin- graceful, intelligent, beautiful creature.

10. What’s your ultimate dream job?

 Photojournalist for National Geographic.

I would now like to nominate the following bloggers to answer the following questions and carry the torch that is the Liebster Award!

1. http://www.openmikeblog.com/
2. http://shanspain.wordpress.com/
3. http://www.meganbrittblog.com/

1. What inspired you to start blogging?
2. Coffee date with your favorite author- How do you take your coffee and who are you sitting with?
3. What do you enjoy most about where you live right now?
4. Your ideal breakfast, lunch and dinner:
5. What one possession do you cherish the most?
6. Do you have a favorite writing spot? Describe the location.
7. What has been your most memorable trip?
8. If you could have born in a different decade from your own, which one would it be and why?
9. What about blogging excites you the most?
10. You have a 24-hour getaway: where do you go?

Settling In...again?

I know, I know—it's been way too long. As I sit here and type these words, I feel guilty for having to type them, yet again. My heart is full, and I have not taken the time to sit down and do what I most love. I have to be honest— I have numerous posts in draft form, anxiously waiting for me to write that final sentence and release them into the ether. I have been so focused on other things, however, so the inspiration to finish that final sentence hasn't been the most...opportune. It isn't that I am uninspired to write these days; in fact, its quite the opposite. It just seems as though the inspiration strikes when I am unable to sit down and get the words out. When my fingers finally hover over the keys and the cursor blinks like the seconds of a stopwatch—poof! It's gone. And I can't force it. So I quit with the hope that inspiration may strike at a more convenient time.

But that's just the thing— more often than not, there will never be a perfect time for me to sit down and produce an a totally awesome and inspiring blog post. It's the fifteen minutes I have before work, or the half hour I spend in bed before turning out the light that I get in a few lines. I am constantly reminded of a promise I made a few posts back: Do less— write more. I'm not sure how the "doing less" part is working out, but I am certainly trying to make more time to write.

It's amazing how little summer actually feels like summer when you're an adult. With the exception of a family beach trip and a few lake days here and there, my summer has been filled with getting into the swing of a new job and, well, moving...again!

I am in love with my new place and I love that I am able to share it with some amazing young women I am eager to get to know as roommates and friends. The commute to work is not ideal, but the thought of getting out of Charlotte each Friday to enjoy my time at home is something I look forward to. Our little town is like something you would see in a movie, and I have to pinch myself every once in a while to make sure I'm not dreaming. There are quaint coffee shops and restaurants, where work from local artists hang on the walls and flyers for local events crowd the windows. I am within walking distance of these, as well as the farmers market and grocery store, so while my legs get some much needed exercise on the weekend, my car gets some much-needed rest. Living here feels right—and it's just what I needed to get a fresh start in a familiar place. I have found it to be the happy medium between the pieces of California I miss every day and the pieces of home that I love.

Slow down & enjoy the ride

I cannot believe it has been a month since I have published a blog post! Writing and creating new pieces is always on my mind and I am constantly thinking about how I can turn my ordinary life happenings into extraordinary stories to share with you. In the midst of finding a new job, a new place to live and getting back into the community that I left, sitting down to turn my thoughts and ideas into something palpable and valuable has been more stressful than I imagined. I don't just want to tell you about my job, what I ate for dinner or what happened to me "the other day", I want to share how these experiences have contributed to who I am so that you may be able to think about your own experiences and how they have shaped your story. 

Let's be honest- the past year of my life was pretty amazing and I got to experience a lot of new things that made sharing with you so easy. The first few weeks I moved back home, I found myself anxious to put my mind to work but found little opportunity to do so. My turbulent job search caused my often flowing creativity to become stagnant and I began to think, "well damn, there goes my blog"...

If I've learned anything about myself over the past few years, it's that I do not do transitions well (I mean, who does!?). I don't like waiting for the next step and not knowing what that next step is makes for a dangerous combination of anxiety and stress. This overbearing and toxic way of thinking was getting me nowhere fast. I needed to slow down, enjoy the ride and appreciate the time I had to reflect on where I've been and where I want to go next. By pumping the brakes, I was able to focus on what I really wanted and appreciate the down time that I had to myself before life gets crazy and consuming again.

Patience, persistence, confidence and grace all sound like pretty glorious qualities to have when dealing with transitions and putting them into practice is a feat for even the most perfect person. Learning to accept where you are in the present moment is tough when you aren't exactly where you want to be but patience and persistence allows you seek out the right opportunities and make them a reality. If we can learn to replace our fear and anticipation with grace and the confidence in our ability to be successful no matter what, it is then that we may walk with the faith that things will fall in to place when the time is right.

I am so excited to start working again and I feel like a crazy person for saying this but I am most looking forward to being busy, tired, frustrated, challenged and fulfilled again. By practicing patience, persistence, confidence and grace, I was able to find a perfect job opportunity with an organization whose mission and values align with my own. In just a few weeks, I will be joining Habitat for Humanity's development team and I cannot wait to become a part of their community. The next step is finally here. I'm ready for new adventures, challenges and experiences and I hope that I can continue to share them with you- as long as you'll stay with me for the ride.