no pain, no gain

You hear me talk a lot about stories. Stories that define who we were, who we are and who we want to be. In our stories, we are the protagonists—the defeated, rising as heroes as we confront the drama, horror, sorrow, hope and love that is woven throughout the pages. We may not start out as such, but at some point, we all have a battle to face, a conflict to resolve or a steep, steep hill to climb. The story I want to share with you has been written, deleted and written again; it has been waiting for me to feel comfortable enough to share it and confident enough to own it. It is in my story that I hope to become the hero, overcoming the burden of a disorder I have had since I was six years old. 

I can remember the first time the disorder made its presence known in my life. I remember sitting on my back porch on a balmy summer day with my purple-and-teal caboodle lying open in my lap. I recall sitting in front of its tiny mirror, fixating on my dark, lush eyelashes and plucking every single one of them from my eyelids. I cannot remember why I did this, but I'll never forget seeing the terror on my mother’s face as I came inside with bare eyelids and a barefaced amount of shame. I wish I could say it stopped there, but I began to pull at my eyebrows and eventually the hair on my head. The side glances, stares and nicknames like "Whispies and Bosley" at school eventually led to questions from classmates and concerned teachers. I remember lying when they asked and I tried to hide the broken pieces so they would stop staring. How could I answer their questions, when I had no idea how to answer them?

In late middle school, trichotillomania became real to me. It is an impulse control disorder that comes with an overwhelming urge to pull out one’s hair with little or no conscious restraint. For some, it may be quelled by awareness and concentration, but for many, it is so consuming that it dominates one's ability to focus on anything else. Millions of people shamefully suffer from trichotillomania; 80-90% are young girls and women. And what causes them to carry that shame is society's image of a "perfect" woman. Perfect hair. Perfect face. Perfect body. It wasn't until my early teens that I was fully aware of what my brain was telling my hands to do so I spent the subsequent years trying every remedy, therapy and trick in the book to gain control and defeat it.

Unfortunately, there is no definitive cure or solution. Many doctors claim that anxiety, depression or O.C.D can trigger the behavior, and prescribe selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRIs) in an attempt to alleviate the urges. I was told I'm not crazy— my brain chemistry is just a little different from others. Seeking help from medical professionals who know so little about this disorder is as frustrating and disheartening as you can imagine. Those who are unfamiliar with trich may simply ask, "well, why can't you just stop?" Trust me, I wish I could tell you it were that easy. As an independent, strong-minded woman, giving in to urges I cannot control is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting.

I say all of this with the conviction that I haven't completely given up on myself, or on those who can help me. Each and every day, I wake up knowing I have a brand new day to start over. To look forward and not in the mirror at what I may have done the day before. It's just hair; it doesn't define who I am (and quite frankly, it doesn't define who any of us are). I am fortunate enough to have amazing friends and family who understand, support and love me for who I am and what I fight for.

This week, we celebrate BFRB (body-focused repetitive behavior) Awareness Week which is why I share my story with you today. My hope is not for you to feel sorry for me, or anyone else who suffers from this disorder, but acknowledge its growing presence in our society and recognize the beauty within all of us and not without. We all have our struggles, we have our fights, and we have things in life we just can't control.

When I think about what I have been through over the past 18 years, I think of the lotus flower. How it descends into shallow, murky waters at night and emerges beautiful and pure with the next day's sun. I keep that image in my mind as I look to others with empathy rather than judgement and to my own self for strength instead of shame.

http://www.trich.org/involved/cal-nbaw.html

The Liebster Award Lives On

Oh hey! Thanks to Matt McDaniel for nominating me for the Liebster Award!

If you haven't checked out http://www.mcdieselfarm.com/ I highly suggest you do so now. Matt and his wife Kelly have created some amazing projects around their home in an effort to maintain a sustainable lifestyle and Matt reflects on the trials and tribulations of backyard gardening.

I love the idea of the Liebster Award. For those who struggle to think of different themes or ideas to post, or for those who need a break from their normal writing routine, its a fun way to get to know each other and reflect on some things that may not cross your mind too often.There are many versions or sets of rules that can be followed upon receiving the award but it's principles remain the same: thank the fellow blogger who nominated you for the award, and pass along the nomination to other bloggers whom you faithfully follow. After answering the questions from Matt, I'll think of a set to ask some of my favorite bloggers and nominate them below! 

1. What is your favorite TV show and why?

I don't religiously watch television but when I find a show that I like- I'm hooked. I currently don't have cable either so I rely on Netflix to provide me with an escape from reality when its needed. I loved Orange Is the New Black. Dynamic characters and a ridiculous story line kept me watching and anxiously waiting for the next season. I also loved Friday Night Lights....everyone needs a good, down home show about football, family, friends, fights and young love- who can resist?

2. If money were no object, what would be your ultimate travel destination?

Picking just one ultimate travel destination is tough when you own a collection of travel books like myself. Since I have to make some sort of decision without simmering on this question all day- I'll go with my gut reaction. Both sides of my family originated in the United Kingdom. My mothers side is British and Scottish, my father's British and Welsh. There's a family rumor that I'm related to King Alfred the Great (871-899); but let's be honest...there's probably a lengthy and slightly questionable line of his descendants. I'd love to spend some time traveling England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales. It's definitely not the most expensive destination I could pick, but I would love to connect with my heritage, eat crappy English food and immerse myself in the rich history of the area.  

3. Beer, wine, or liquor (that includes moonshine)?

I'm a wine-o to the extreme and I love trying wines from all over the world. In the midst of trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life after college, I briefly worked for a wine distributor, hosting tastings at the nearby Harris Teeter. Needless to say, that didn't last long but I got to try some amazing wines and talk about it with different people. My favorites (in no particular order): Prosecco, Chenin Blanc, Malbec and Boujillais.

4. What one possession do you cherish the most?

My family. I know it's not a physical possession but I don't know what I would do without them.

5. Who’s your favorite Disney character and why?

Ariel- I'm a swimmer so naturally I'm super jealous that she's a mermaid. And Prince Eric is a cutie.

6. You have one day left on this earth. What would be on your agenda?

What wouldn't be on the agenda!? Have a giant feast with all of my favorite foods, wine and invite everyone I knew to hang out with me and sing the night away. Other than that, it's too hard to think about all of the other things I would like to do before I leave this earth.

7. What’s the happiest memory you have?

Spending a year in California. I wouldn't say it was the happiest year of my life, but the experiences I had for that one year allowed me to grow in more ways than I ever imagined and will never forget- and that's what makes me happy.

8. Who is your favorite celebrity? Why?

LaSarah. "Crangrape...the drink of champions."

9. What’s your favorite animal?

Dolphin- graceful, intelligent, beautiful creature.

10. What’s your ultimate dream job?

 Photojournalist for National Geographic.

I would now like to nominate the following bloggers to answer the following questions and carry the torch that is the Liebster Award!

1. http://www.openmikeblog.com/
2. http://shanspain.wordpress.com/
3. http://www.meganbrittblog.com/

1. What inspired you to start blogging?
2. Coffee date with your favorite author- How do you take your coffee and who are you sitting with?
3. What do you enjoy most about where you live right now?
4. Your ideal breakfast, lunch and dinner:
5. What one possession do you cherish the most?
6. Do you have a favorite writing spot? Describe the location.
7. What has been your most memorable trip?
8. If you could have born in a different decade from your own, which one would it be and why?
9. What about blogging excites you the most?
10. You have a 24-hour getaway: where do you go?

Settling In...again?

I know, I know—it's been way too long. As I sit here and type these words, I feel guilty for having to type them, yet again. My heart is full, and I have not taken the time to sit down and do what I most love. I have to be honest— I have numerous posts in draft form, anxiously waiting for me to write that final sentence and release them into the ether. I have been so focused on other things, however, so the inspiration to finish that final sentence hasn't been the most...opportune. It isn't that I am uninspired to write these days; in fact, its quite the opposite. It just seems as though the inspiration strikes when I am unable to sit down and get the words out. When my fingers finally hover over the keys and the cursor blinks like the seconds of a stopwatch—poof! It's gone. And I can't force it. So I quit with the hope that inspiration may strike at a more convenient time.

But that's just the thing— more often than not, there will never be a perfect time for me to sit down and produce an a totally awesome and inspiring blog post. It's the fifteen minutes I have before work, or the half hour I spend in bed before turning out the light that I get in a few lines. I am constantly reminded of a promise I made a few posts back: Do less— write more. I'm not sure how the "doing less" part is working out, but I am certainly trying to make more time to write.

It's amazing how little summer actually feels like summer when you're an adult. With the exception of a family beach trip and a few lake days here and there, my summer has been filled with getting into the swing of a new job and, well, moving...again!

I am in love with my new place and I love that I am able to share it with some amazing young women I am eager to get to know as roommates and friends. The commute to work is not ideal, but the thought of getting out of Charlotte each Friday to enjoy my time at home is something I look forward to. Our little town is like something you would see in a movie, and I have to pinch myself every once in a while to make sure I'm not dreaming. There are quaint coffee shops and restaurants, where work from local artists hang on the walls and flyers for local events crowd the windows. I am within walking distance of these, as well as the farmers market and grocery store, so while my legs get some much needed exercise on the weekend, my car gets some much-needed rest. Living here feels right—and it's just what I needed to get a fresh start in a familiar place. I have found it to be the happy medium between the pieces of California I miss every day and the pieces of home that I love.

Slow down & enjoy the ride

I cannot believe it has been a month since I have published a blog post! Writing and creating new pieces is always on my mind and I am constantly thinking about how I can turn my ordinary life happenings into extraordinary stories to share with you. In the midst of finding a new job, a new place to live and getting back into the community that I left, sitting down to turn my thoughts and ideas into something palpable and valuable has been more stressful than I imagined. I don't just want to tell you about my job, what I ate for dinner or what happened to me "the other day", I want to share how these experiences have contributed to who I am so that you may be able to think about your own experiences and how they have shaped your story. 

Let's be honest- the past year of my life was pretty amazing and I got to experience a lot of new things that made sharing with you so easy. The first few weeks I moved back home, I found myself anxious to put my mind to work but found little opportunity to do so. My turbulent job search caused my often flowing creativity to become stagnant and I began to think, "well damn, there goes my blog"...

If I've learned anything about myself over the past few years, it's that I do not do transitions well (I mean, who does!?). I don't like waiting for the next step and not knowing what that next step is makes for a dangerous combination of anxiety and stress. This overbearing and toxic way of thinking was getting me nowhere fast. I needed to slow down, enjoy the ride and appreciate the time I had to reflect on where I've been and where I want to go next. By pumping the brakes, I was able to focus on what I really wanted and appreciate the down time that I had to myself before life gets crazy and consuming again.

Patience, persistence, confidence and grace all sound like pretty glorious qualities to have when dealing with transitions and putting them into practice is a feat for even the most perfect person. Learning to accept where you are in the present moment is tough when you aren't exactly where you want to be but patience and persistence allows you seek out the right opportunities and make them a reality. If we can learn to replace our fear and anticipation with grace and the confidence in our ability to be successful no matter what, it is then that we may walk with the faith that things will fall in to place when the time is right.

I am so excited to start working again and I feel like a crazy person for saying this but I am most looking forward to being busy, tired, frustrated, challenged and fulfilled again. By practicing patience, persistence, confidence and grace, I was able to find a perfect job opportunity with an organization whose mission and values align with my own. In just a few weeks, I will be joining Habitat for Humanity's development team and I cannot wait to become a part of their community. The next step is finally here. I'm ready for new adventures, challenges and experiences and I hope that I can continue to share them with you- as long as you'll stay with me for the ride. 

A Heart Unanchored

If you asked me a few years ago where I thought I would be at the age of 24, I would have told you that I would be living far away in a big city with an amazing job and a dog named Lola. Although I have had some amazing opportunities to fulfill this dream of mine, I have found myself in a different place now than I imagined my dreams would take me. I am back in a city that is not so far away and looking to plant myself in a community that is all too familiar yet so new to me all at the same time.

Over the past few weeks, I have exuded time and energy searching for new opportunities here and each time I press apply, send or submit, I find myself asking for guidance, bracing myself for rejection and praying for acceptance. It's not unusual for me to put a great deal of pressure on myself to succeed and the weight of that expectation sits heavily on my shoulders. To keep myself from totally collapsing and giving up, I am learning to give myself grace. Each and every day, I remind myself to accept the hurdles and acknowledge the strength that I have to overcome them.

Throughout this process (because, well, life is a process), I have continued to be inspired by young women who share their life changing experiences that have shaped who they are and who they wish to be. Shauna Niequist, Addie Zierman and Allison Vesterfelt are not only the kind of writers that I aspire to be, but their stories have been a source of light, hope and humility as I have struggled to find my place over the past two years. As I read their stories, I am reminded of my own life experiences how they have shaped who I am today. Careful not to over analyze, but critical enough to search for the meaning behind them, I am beginning to find a path beyond this roadblock and walk further toward what it is I am called to do. And if I'm lucky enough, I'll get to write a book about it someday.

"When you are living your passion, people around you who were once sleeping will be woken up. That's how you know. When we become who we were made to be, we come alive, but the people around us come alive too."
Allison Vesterfelt, Packing Light

G.R.I.T.S Goes West goes East Again

Moving on to the next step is never easy and although I was anticipating the trip my mom and I were about to take, I had been dreading the day that I had to say my final goodbye to the place I loved so much. It wasn't until the morning I saw my room empty of my things, food absent from my kitchen cupboard and my car packed full to the brim, that I succumbed to all of the feelings rushing through my heart. As we pulled away from the farm, I couldn't help but think about the next time I would be back to visit.

Our trip began with a short drive to one of the places I always dreamed of seeing while in California; Big Sur.  The few times I was able to get to the coast, the thick fog loomed over the Pacific, blanketing the cliff side with a gray obscurity. But the day we started our adventure, the sky reflected the clear blue of the ocean and the warm air filled our lungs as we cruised down the coast. We spent the day exploring and soaking in the last bit of California sunshine before spending the next day on the road to Sedona, Arizona.

 The 12 hour drive to Sedona took us through Southern California's flat agricultural lands to the desert, the landscape transitioning from endless rows of artichoke, grape vines, orange trees and strawberries, to Joshua trees and a vast, brown openness. We got to Sedona soon after sunset, but woke up early to the most beautiful view I have ever had from a hotel balcony. From almost every angle, red rocks rose from the horizon and a river lined with lush trees flowed just below us. Our one day in Sedona began as the sun rose, and we spent the day exploring the landscape with a walk along the river and a visit to Slide Rock National Park. Our day ended at a restaurant with a view we could have only imagined.

It was hard for both of us to leave but we had another long drive ahead of us to our next destination that required an early start. Driving long distances out west is completely different than many of our driving experiences back east. The desert landscape is vast and often void of things to look at, with the exception of a freight train making its way to the next big city or a tumble weed hurling itself across the highway. The endless hours of driving and numbness that our backsides endured would totally pay off when we got to Austin, Texas. 

I loved Austin so much, that I ironically only have a few things to say about it. We couldn't have asked for better weather and every person we encountered was just as nice as the last. Our days in Austin were packed with exploring the city, eating delicious food and enjoying Austin's infamous music scene. We enjoyed our last night at Lambert's Downtown BBQ, where I'm pretty sure I almost died and went to Heaven— coffee-braised brisket, pulled pork, brown sugar brussel sprouts and the most delicious cornbread muffins inducing the food coma I fell into. I have to add that mom discovered her new found love for Deep Eddy's Grapefruit vodka that she bought in BULK because it's an Austin original.

I finally came out of my food coma and mom parted ways with her grapefruit libations and we rolled ourselves further south toward Louisiana to visit a city we have both been eagerly waiting to explore. Mom hasn't been to New Orleans since she was a little girl and as we drove, she told me stories of visiting her uncle in the city. We spent our first day in the deep south exploring some of Louisiana's antebellum plantations and spent the night at Nottoway Plantation, a beautiful historic home along the Mississippi River. Like most mornings on this trip, we woke early to head into the French Quarter of New Orleans where we would spend our last day in Louisiana touring the busy streets, exploring the French Market where I had the most fantastic crab cake, eating beignets at Cafe Du Monde (spoiler alert: highly overrated), and experiencing a small band with a big sound on Frenchman Street.

Our last stop took us north to another city known for its music scene and down home delicious food. Many of our trips have taken us through Tennessee before and Nashville has become one of my favorite places to visit. Nashville's downtown district is lively and vibrant, while it's charming suburbs are nestled in rolling hills, farmland and open space. Much like our visit to Austin and New Orleans, our two days in Nashville consisted of walking and eating. Our last night took us to Broadway, where live music pours from every bar and cowboy boots fill their dance floors.

This road trip was exactly what I needed before making the move back home. Although our stops were brief, it gave us the opportunity to experience some of the unique character, culture and cuisine that our country offers. It also gave me time to relax and reflect on the past year and gave me hope that my next opportunity will present itself at the right time.

"To my mind, the greatest reward and luxury of travel is to be able to experience everyday things as if for the first time, to be in a position in which almost nothing is so familiar it is taken for granted."

Bloom Where You Are Planted

Today I woke up to a perfect and cloudless California morning. Sipping coffee on the porch and listening to the chatter of the farm, I found myself thinking about how quickly this year has gone by and how I will manage leaving a place I have developed such a deep connection to. In just one week, I will be moving back to North Carolina and the decision to do so wasn't easy.  Just a few months ago, I was craving a new environment, itching for a new adventure, and not wanting to be in the town I grew up in.

The second I moved to California, the adventure and beauty of it drew me in and instantly, I fell in love. I was surrounded by incredibly smart and forward thinking people, captivating landscapes and days of endless sunshine, but I often felt myself missing the pieces of me that I left behind. Leaving home is never easy, but I also think it is hard to establish a life for yourself if you don't take some time to be away from it to figure out who you are and how you can make the most of the little piece of eternity each of us has been given.

California has allowed me to focus on these two things and it has forced me to think about the other things in life I value most. Through my work, I am driven to make an impact and this year I have had the opportunity to work with an amazing organization and discover a new career into which I can put my passion and my skills. I have had the opportunity to live on a farm in order to become more aware of the choices I make and how they impact the land on which I live. I have had the opportunity to continue grow spiritually by immersing myself into a new community of diverse cultures, ideas and perspectives.

I will miss the California sunshine like crazy but I am looking forward to being close to my family, friends and community that I love and have missed this past year. I'm not quite sure where my journey will take me next, but the experience and knowledge I have gained here is something I will take with me wherever I may go.

Over the next week while I frantically finish up projects, pack up my room and prepare for my next big move, I will be creating a comprehensive list of all things California that I will miss and another of all things Carolina that I am looking forward to!

Realizations in the Pacific Northwest

It has been way too long since I have gone on an adventure and this past weekend was a perfect opportunity to fly up to the Pacific Northwest to visit my very best friend who is settling into her new home in Eugene, Oregon.

I could only be there for a few days so the short visit called for cramming in as much food, beer drinking, sight seeing, hiking and catching up as possible and although it has been too long since we have seen each other, being together during those few days felt as though we had never been apart. The rainy weather of Oregon did not surprise me, but the refreshing vitality that it brought did. The skies cleared just long enough for us to go for a hike around the Mount Pisgah Arboretum to get a view of Eugene's lush and expansive landscape (not what I have experienced in California so far).  As we explored, my shoes became water-logged and my toes started to lack warmth and feeling but the best part was I didn't even care. I felt like a kid again and couldn't be happier than in that moment, on that mountain, with a friend who brings out the best in me.


There was something incredibly rejuvenating about my trip to Oregon and the time I spent with my friend brought back a lot of joy that I have been missing lately. I realized how important making time to spend with close friends is, no matter how far away they are, especially as we grow older and begin to build our own lives as adults.

We are all trying to figure things out but it's the people you keep close to your heart that will be with you every step of the way.

Speaking of steps- I can't believe that I have lived here for almost an entire year! In just one short month, I will be traveling back across the country to begin my life's next adventure. Through the stress, anxiety and endless contemplation I have put myself through these past two months, I have decided that moving closer to life I have missed is what feels right in my heart. I have learned and experienced more than I could have imagined and I know that as long as I allow myself to stay open to the endless possibilities that lie ahead, the right opportunity will present itself.

If these peak your interest, here are some random moments that I've been capturing from behind the lens...

Hungry For Words

I'm the kind of reader who picks up a book and intentionally reads for about a week or so only to slowly let the book sit on my nightstand with the hope that one day I may finally finish it. This time, it was different. This time, I didn't let it hit my nightstand because I read the entire thing during my 5 hour flight from Charlotte to California. This time I read When We Were on Fire by Addie Zierman.

This isn't to say that I NEVER finish the books I am hungry to read, I'm just saying its been a long time since I've read a book that has left me feeling full and satisfied. The raw veracity about the world of a Christian culture in this book was refreshing, rejuvenating and most importantly, relevant. 

Through Addie's story, I was able to peek into the world of growing up Christian and follow her as her heart and her faith were tested by obstacles that many of us face throughout our lifetime. Where she strove to fit into Christian "norms" in her youth, I strove to stay away, constantly questioning my faith and the idea of Creationism as the foundation of our existence. Where she began to question the intensity of her faith as she grew into adulthood, I began to wonder if I needed something more than science to fill the void I felt in my heart.

Although our journey to find faith are somewhat contrary to one another, I found our stories to converge on the idea that faith is not a straight line from point A to point B, but requires detours and pit stops; pitfalls and triumphs. Through her story and mine, I have felt the strain of doubt, the frustration from unanswered questions and the power of grace that allows us to come out of the darkest corners in our lives. I won't say more about this book, because honestly, I think you should read it. Christian or not, there are things in life we can all relate to.

"Yes, faith is like being born again. But it is also not like being born again. Unlike the newborn infant, the new Christian has memory, memory that spans back into the darkness from which he came. He is not so much born as waking...every moment to new realities. To a new way of looking at humanity. To grace and to peace and to love. It is not Before and After, a clean split, dark and light. It is a gradual illumination, fireflies moving slowly toward you, softening the edge of darkness so that you can see the beautiful mystery around you."   

Current Carry Me

It’s hard to imagine that my life will be changing again in just a few months. My year in California has brought such a new light into my life’s journey and it has been a whirlwind of emotions to think about where my path may lead me next. The last time I wrote it was mid-fall and before I knew it, 2013 closed it’s curtains to reset the stage for a new year.

Life has gotten so busy since the last time I wrote and I'm kicking myself for not making the time to share my experiences here. From now on I will:

Do less & write more

Amidst this crazy time in my life's journey, I had a moment of clarity as we took some time to get out of town and go whale-watching in Monterey Bay (and get clam chowder in one of those amazing sourdough bread bowls). As our boat moseyed a few miles from the coast waiting for the whales to make their appearance, we passed a sea otter drifting mindlessly among the waves that rocked our boat back and forth. Many of us were surprised to see this lone otter drifting so far from the shoreline but we were told by the captain that they often drift far out during the day, napping in a lackadaisical food coma. As I watched, I grew anxious for the creature so exposed by the vast sea surrounding him. Wasn't he not concerned about predators? What if he drifts too far from his home? Although all of these worries were running through my mind, they clearly were not running through his; it seemed he knew the current would take him exactly where he needed to go when he needed to be there.

I need to be more like this otter, I thought. I know it sounds silly because it feels silly just typing it but how could I not see this moment as something I can learn from? So often, I grow tense with stress and anxiety trying to plan out every minute of my life that I sink like a rock and grow breathless under the pressure I put on myself to figure it all out before it even happens.

So I’m trying something I’m not so good at doing- I’m learning to let go. I’m learning to put my faith in something greater so that I can lie on my back and let the weight of the world drift by as the current carries me where I am meant to go.

“If I take the wings of the morning and settle at the farthest limits of the sea, even there your hand will lead me, your right hand shall hold me fast.”